A few months ago I dreamed about my babies. I've had several of them, but this one stood out.
As in most of the dreams, there were ponies. Lilly and Brake and F. Running through big open fields of wildflowers and tall grass. Smiling, happy, beautiful. But this time they were joined by several friends. They broke off from their friends and rode up to me with handfuls of flowers. We were on higher ground, and Lilly pointed to something off in the distance. Below us I saw people crying, their faces horribly twisted in what looked like the most horrendous pain. She looked back at me and said "Mommy they need you. They need hugs like you needed. Share your hugs with them Mommy." She looked back at her friends, back to the people, and then back to me. "Will you please share with them Mommy?"
I realized that those people were crying because those were their babies up on that hill. And I was all too familiar with that horrendous, gut wrenching pain.
For Mother's Day, we went to a small ceremony of sorts that was held by the Tears Foundation. It was a sad day for me, but it was nice to be in the company of others, in the company of understanding. But it was a 3 hour drive (one way) for us. There is nothing like that in our area. I can find more pregnancy classes than I can attend in a month, but not one single breath about losing a baby. I told Bryan that it would be nice to just start something of my own. I didn't really think much about it again until I had that dream.
A couple weeks ago I ordered some Sunset Butterfly prints from Carly Marie. After I ordered them, I went back and ordered another one for Andy's mom. And then I ordered another one for my aunt, F's mom. And then I ordered another one for another dear friend of mine. And then another one for another friend.
And then I had another dream. I briefly saw Lilly's face and her pretty red hair. "Please Mommy." I woke up, but I couldn't get those two words out of my head.
So I decided I was going to share, just like she asked.
I got an email this morning from the Secretary of State office. I am officially the founder of "Lilly's Dream", a non-profit organization designed to provide support and resources to families suffering the loss of a baby. I still have a lot of paperwork left to do. IRS and bank stuff. But it's official. And I'm so excited!
I want to do care packages to send to the local hospitals. I also want to set up a support group in this area, so I don't have to drive 3 hours for one. I think it's really important to have community support in any area, but especially in a military town like this. So many families here suffer silently without any family nearby. And the military "suck it up and get back to work because there is a mission to accomplish" mentality makes these situations even harder. (My doctor tried sending me back to work the next day because "I had a 2nd trimester miscarriage. It's not like I had a baby.") Mostly, I want parents and hospitals to have resources readily available, like I didn't have but so badly needed.
I'm still working out all the details. And a website is in the works. Hopefully I'll be sharing it soon. Hopefully things are in place and launched in time to do something for the October 15th National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. Actually, if I can get my brain to relax and get reorganized in time, I'm going to do something for that day anyway, regardless of launch status.
I'm so excited and so happy that I'm a complete nervous wreck. Or maybe that's the caffeine and lack of sleep.
Please keep me in your prayers as I figure all this out.