Sunday, June 22, 2014

Dear Marshall

Dear Marshall,

Tonight we fell asleep on the couch watching Phineas and Ferb. I was so tired and so uncomfortable, but instead of rushing to get up and lay you in bed, I stayed where I was. I let your head lay on my shoulder and tried to soak in the moment. The softness of your hair. The sound of each breath. The heaviness of your body as you sank deeper and deeper into sleep. It may sound silly, but I really want to make the most of these moments and the time we have left together.

I finally reached 37 weeks in this pregnancy, which means that Little Brother will be here really soon. I'm so excited to meet your brother and to watch our family grow. I'm even more excited to see you as a big brother. You've been a little brother your whole life, but you've really missed out on the brother experience. I know you're gonna be great, and I can't wait to see what kind of adventures are in store for you. Last night we made Big Brother/Little Brother shirts, and you were so proud. You ran your fingers over the words and clutched the shirt to your chest repeating "bruhver" over and over again. Your smile made me even more excited.

I have to be honest though. Even with all the excitement, I'm still a little sad. And maybe a bit scared. I left the Navy last year to stay home with you. When Daddy went back to work, he was gone or asleep, so it was almost always just me and you. We've had quite a year, the two of us. It was a hard adjustment, and we still have our bad days. But I love our days together. The lazy days. The crazy days. The special adventures. I love the way you smile at me when you wake up in the morning. And the way you look back to see if I'm watching when you are doing something by yourself. I love the way you hold my hand when you're tired and the way you have to look at me and touch my face before you go to sleep at night.

I know that I will love your brother just as much as I love you. And nothing, not even a brother, can make me love you any less. But a brother does mean that it won't be just me and you now, that we will have less time together. And that's what makes me sad. You have been such an amazing little person in our lives. You are my side-kick, my partner in crime, my best friend. I don't know if I'm ready for that to change. I don't know if I'm ready to share you. Or any of our time together.

I will eventually get over it. We will figure things out as they come, and we will have an awesome little family. And you will be an awesome brother.

I love you.

Tuesday, January 28, 2014

Just some things.

It's been a while since I've been on here. I still read other blogs and keep up with yall. But I just haven't made time to sit down and write. I'm not even really sure what to write about anymore, honestly. I want to write. I want to keep this place alive. But I'm not in the same place anymore, and I'm not quite sure what direction to take things on here.

A lot of big things are happening this year. I'm excited, but suddenly feeling pretty overwhelmed.

My Stillbirth Doula certification will be complete in February/March.

My first series of childbirth classes starts in March. I guess that's not really a big thing, but I'm pretty nervous about it.

College graduation is in May. I was the first person in my family to graduate from high school and the first to even be able to go to college. Then I got burned out and dropped out. Then I joined the Navy. Now I'm right there at the finish line. I will finally have a degree!

We are expecting baby #4 in July. I'm not even sure what to say about this yet. So overwhelming in its own.

Marshall will be 2 in August. Two! Again, that's not such a "big" thing. But the realization of how far we have come is pretty powerful.

Our wedding is set for September. We've put it off for so long so that our families could be there. Now four years and four babies later, it's finally happening.

We are also hoping to buy our first house this year. We are trying to figure out putting up a backyard fence, setting up a garden, and renovating the basement....all while juggling everything else and getting ready for another baby in the house.

I remember posting a long time ago about how I was so disappointed when the hospital on the island wouldn't let me donate our Lilly's Dream memories boxes. Then when I got pregnant with Marshall, I had to put it aside because it was just too much at the time. It's been too hard to keep up with all the legal requirements of the non-profit stuff, especially with being in a different state now. So I had Lilly's Dream dissolved. I worked really hard to pull that project together, so it was really painful to let it go. But I had already been looking at taking the project in a different direction, so I know it was really for the best. I really can't devote much of myself to it right now anyway. I'll be sending a lot of what I have to Crystal over at You Are My Child for her next set of memory boxes. I'm excited to help her project grow.

I guess that's all for now. Stay lovely!