Sunday, June 22, 2014

Dear Marshall

Dear Marshall,

Tonight we fell asleep on the couch watching Phineas and Ferb. I was so tired and so uncomfortable, but instead of rushing to get up and lay you in bed, I stayed where I was. I let your head lay on my shoulder and tried to soak in the moment. The softness of your hair. The sound of each breath. The heaviness of your body as you sank deeper and deeper into sleep. It may sound silly, but I really want to make the most of these moments and the time we have left together.

I finally reached 37 weeks in this pregnancy, which means that Little Brother will be here really soon. I'm so excited to meet your brother and to watch our family grow. I'm even more excited to see you as a big brother. You've been a little brother your whole life, but you've really missed out on the brother experience. I know you're gonna be great, and I can't wait to see what kind of adventures are in store for you. Last night we made Big Brother/Little Brother shirts, and you were so proud. You ran your fingers over the words and clutched the shirt to your chest repeating "bruhver" over and over again. Your smile made me even more excited.

I have to be honest though. Even with all the excitement, I'm still a little sad. And maybe a bit scared. I left the Navy last year to stay home with you. When Daddy went back to work, he was gone or asleep, so it was almost always just me and you. We've had quite a year, the two of us. It was a hard adjustment, and we still have our bad days. But I love our days together. The lazy days. The crazy days. The special adventures. I love the way you smile at me when you wake up in the morning. And the way you look back to see if I'm watching when you are doing something by yourself. I love the way you hold my hand when you're tired and the way you have to look at me and touch my face before you go to sleep at night.

I know that I will love your brother just as much as I love you. And nothing, not even a brother, can make me love you any less. But a brother does mean that it won't be just me and you now, that we will have less time together. And that's what makes me sad. You have been such an amazing little person in our lives. You are my side-kick, my partner in crime, my best friend. I don't know if I'm ready for that to change. I don't know if I'm ready to share you. Or any of our time together.

I will eventually get over it. We will figure things out as they come, and we will have an awesome little family. And you will be an awesome brother.

I love you.