Saturday, September 17, 2011

Bruises and Heavy Hearts.

It's 8 AM. I've been wide awake for an hour, staring at this blank screen, with a hurting body and a very heavy heart.

About a month or so ago, I wrote about how I hate my job because of the hell it puts my body through. I'm not actively trying to get pregnant again right now. But when that time comes, I want to be healthy and strong again, with my body as perfect as it can be to safely carry my baby as long as it possibly can. I can take some bumps and bruises, and I'm clumsy so I do hurt myself a lot. But when I come home looking like this:

I can't take that quite as well. The lighting in the bathroom isn't very good for pictures, so these don't even begin to show you how deep and dark these really are. I'm bruised from wrist to armpit on both sides of both arms...some of them are the size of my hands or bigger. My ribs, both of my legs, and my right hip are bruised. My chin is bruised. I have abrasions on my neck. I have cuts and knots on my head, hiding under all that hair. My fingers are stiff and sore and full of cuts. It hurts to move. It hurts to lay down. It hurts to breathe. It hurts to wear clothes. And when I sleep, I curl up and my head hits my arms and I wake up screaming.

That's not the first time I've come home from work looking like this. It's the first time it's been this bad, but this does happen fairly often.

So what did I do? I was reaching and crawling into the engine bay on an airplane to replace some wiring harnesses. Yes, I look like I've survived a plane crash just because I work on those damn things.

And I hate it. How am I supposed to stay healthy and strong when I look like that on a regular basis?! The thought of going in on Sunday night makes me cringe and cry, even though I know we won't be doing this same task for a while.

To add to all this mess, things on the home front aren't going so well right now. Communication sucks. Attitudes suck. The "I'm an adult and can do what I want which means I'm doing nothing" mentality sucks. The "I'm gonna make fun of everything about you that I can so that I can laugh and feel better about myself" game sucks. Feeling like I'm the only grown up in this place sucks.

I know relationships take a lot of work, but lately the work feels very one sided. I'm tired, weary, and depressed. I can't carry this load by myself. I don't want to be the grown up anymore.

I wanted to paint this morning, but it's cold outside. I have some studying to do, but I can't stand the smell of the dishes he promised to wash four days ago. I want to run, but my body hurts too bad.

I think I'm going back to bed.


αуℓα said...

dear girl. YOU are who i should have harvested arnica for. it's a pretty yellow flower that releases it's medicine into olive oil, and when you rub it on bruises, the bruises heal five times faster. (that's not a scientific statement, "five times," but it's a guesstimate).

i can get some from my teacher though. can i give it to you somehow? would you like some arnica oil?

i just want to love on you, i wish we had already met so i could be there.

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