Fitting In.

Tonight was a coworker's surprise birthday party at a local bar.

Things were going great most of the evening. Great food. Great laughs. I would say great drinks, but I was having water. Then the guys wanted to try a game of shuffleboard. And it was just the wives left at the table.

Normally, that would be no big deal. I can get along with just about anyone. Or I can at least smile and fake it long enough to get through the night.

But tonight....I was surrounded by mom talk.

Choosing preschools. Shopping at this place rather than that place. This kid has this weird habit. That kid does that crazy stuff. What is a better Halloween costume. Photographers and cool pictures to take of this kid or that kid. Pregnancy this. Deployment that. Parenting this. Not parenting like that.

I really like these ladies. I really, honestly do. And I really want to have a good time when I'm out with them.

But how do I have a good time when I'm sitting through endless conversation about picking the best things for your kids?! I got to pick out a funeral home and an urn for my kid. That's the extent of my parenting. No potty training. No Halloween costumes. No afternoon snacks. No preschool. An urn. A horrible, heartbreaking, I wish I didn't even know what these things look like urn.

I can't even be the "So when are you gonna start having kids" girl in that kinda conversation.

I get to sit there with my glass of water trying not to cry because I can't comfortably fit in with a crowd like that because all I can think about now is that my baby is dead. I get to be the girl quietly choking down her water while her creepy lack of conversation makes everyone else uncomfortable.


I just realized my son's due date is in 6 days.


I don't think I'll be at any more parties for a while.