Even though I'm struggling with this trust thing, I'm still praying. Still begging God to talk to me. To help me understand. Something. Anything. To help me take this leap in trusting Him again.
Some things are much more clear. They're not necessarily answers. Nor anything like I wanted to learn. But that's how God works, isn't it? And I did ask for anything, didn't I?
When I found out I was pregnant I was terrified. I begged God to keep this baby healthy. I begged Him to not make me endure watching another baby die.
This certainly wasn't where I'd planned on being in life when babies came into the picture. I wanted to be married, somewhat settled, and a lot more financially stable. The biggest thing was being married. I wanted my baby to come into a "normal" married family with the same last name. Something to get the "black sheep" label off me after my divorce. But I could suck it up. I just wanted my healthy beautiful baby.
My relationship with Bryan was strained during the pregnancy. He was so patient and caring with the first one. This time he was always annoyed and angry. He didn't want to cook or help clean. He didn't want to pick up any slack. He wanted me to suck up the sickness and be normal and continue doing things like before. (He did still help, but he didn't like it or want to.) It was stressful beyond belief. Some days I was so tired at work that I just wanted to go home, but I didn't want to be at home because it was so much more stressful.
The weekend I started spotting I was scared. I told Bryan I was scared and he got mad. He said I was being a hypochondriac. He insisted that it was fine because he had seen babies come out just fine from mothers who had done worse things than spotting. He always compared my pregnancy to his ex-wife's. It always pissed me off. I was so angry this time because he wouldn't listen and he didn't understand my fears. I remember telling God how angry I was because I wanted this baby so bad but I didn't want it to come between us like that. I told Him it wasn't supposed to happen like that, that we should be coming together and clinging to each other to help each other rather than bitter and pulling apart because of stupid stuff and differences over this baby. In my heart I felt like I wished I wasn't pregnant, so this nightmare wouldn't be happening, so I wouldn't be so close to losing my best friend, my love. I told myself how stupid it was to feel like that. To feel like I would choose Bryan over my baby.
Before that weekend was over, things would play out just like that. I wouldn't be pregnant. There wouldn't be a baby making me sick and coming between us. We would be clinging to each other tightly as we braced ourselves for funeral arrangements and a future without our baby.
I remembered all that tonight as I begged God for something, anything. And now I wish I hadn't asked. I feel like I did choose Bryan over my baby. Like I gave him up. Like I gave up on him without giving him a chance. I feel like I got just what I asked for that night out of anger and fear.
I don't trust the doctors because they didn't listen. I don't trust God because He did listen. I don't trust myself because I feel like I brought it on myself.
My doctor thinks he has narrowed the cause down to low progesterone. He wants to see me again, pregnant, in 2 months to start hormone therapy and progesterone shots. He's positive they can get it right this time and keep my baby alive. I asked for a 2nd opinion from an outside specialist, just to be sure they were right before I went through this a 3rd time. I was turned down because I'm active duty. Another leap of faith and trust that I'm not ready to make.
The doctor did biopsies of some cervical cancer cells. They were stage 2 when they were found. Then no one would touch them because I was pregnant. And then I was pregnant again. The results came back yesterday. Everything was gone, except for some inflammation. Just like that. Gone. I know that is proof that God is doing great things in my life, even if things seem so shitty right now. I know that He is there, setting things up, waiting for me to take that leap.
Last night I dreamed that the cancer was gone, Bryan and I got married on a visit to TN, and I got pregnant with a healthy baby. A perfect pregnancy. A beautiful baby that lived. A living, breathing baby that I could take home. Everything was perfect. My mountain had stopped crumbling.
It was just a dream, but I feel like it was more. Like it's another answer. Like it's a preview of what my future can be. But I still don't trust myself to trust Him like He wants.