Saturday, June 4, 2011

Afternoon at the Beach.

It's been a very stressful week. So this morning I woke up early for a hot stone massage. It was amazing.

We spent the afternoon playing at the beach. We saw seals. It was exciting. I'm glad I remembered the camera this time.

I fell asleep during my massage. I dreamed that I saw Jesus sitting on some steps and angels were playing harps behind him. Then I saw my son, back in the bathroom the night he died. It kept going back and forth between the two images.

I wonder what he would look like now. If he still looks like me.

For a few short minutes, it almost felt like he was cradled in my arms again. It's not fair that I can only have that in my dreams now.

A few weeks ago I finally found the strength to cancel the book club I enrolled Brake in when I was pregnant. I was so excited about starting him a little library and having so many childhood favorites to read to him. When he died, I didn't even like to see the books. But I wanted to keep them. A bittersweet reminder, I guess.

Last week, I decided that I couldn't let them sit here anymore. So I mailed them to the Binders, who started Doing Good In Her Name as a way to honor their daughter Peyton. They lost Peyton to a rare form of infant leukemia. They were collecting books for a new NICU that opened near them, so the kids will have something to read during their stay.

It's not fair that my son will never be able to read his books. But hopefully they will make another baby a little more comfortable and happy. Hopefully, that baby will get to go home.


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