Wednesday, June 15, 2011


People make me angry.

In the last 2 months, my temper has gone from bad to...well....the worst it has ever been. And every day, with every new conversation with someone, it seems to get worse.

Especially conversations that involve people criticizing me for grieving, telling me how to feel or that I should just get over it, shunning me for not having absolute faith in God, or saying something stupid like how it just wasn't meant to be.

I don't know what's worse. Someone saying something because they have never experienced it and they have no idea. Or someone saying something while telling me they have been there and that I shouldn't feel how I do.

Why do I have to feel a certain way? If they're entitled to their own opinions, am I not also entitled to my own feelings? What gives them the idea that what they think of my situation matters more than what I think?

I don't believe that I am wrong. I don't necessarily like some of the feelings I have, but that doesn't make them wrong. The God issue, for example. I'm struggling with God right now, but I talk to Him every day. I question Him, yes. I can't bring myself to fully trust in Him. I get angry with Him. A lot. But the Bible says that He is my Heavenly Father, and I am His child. I can recall several occasions where I had similar feelings with my dad over the years. I have an amazing relationship with him today, and I know without a doubt that some of those situations made our relationship a lot stronger. Ideally, that would be the same with the Father as well, right? If I don't ask questions, I don't learn. If I don't learn, I don't grow.

One of the things that bothers me the most is being told that it just wasn't meant to be. I hate that phrase. I'd like to rip those words right out of the person's throat some days.

Not having my babies hurts like hell, no matter how you look at it. But in all honesty, what hurts even more than not having them, is that I had to watch them suffer. My son struggled and died in my hands. My daughter kicked and twitched and died at my feet. And I couldn't do anything about it. Not even comfort them in the slightest way. No parent likes to see their child in pain. I know mine didn't. Growing up I spent several occasions in the hospital in excrutiating pain, and my parents sat at my bedside crying a lot more than I ever did. My dad still cries at the thought of some of those injuries. At least he could do something about it. That's the one thing that really sticks with me more than anything else about this horrible journey. I watched my babies die, and I couldn't do anything about it but sit there and watch it happen. "Meant to be" has nothing to do with it.

There is a lot more to my grief and stress than just that my babies are gone.

I'm a completely changed person, and right now it's not really for the better. I'm terrified of peeing at night. It might sound silly, but if I have to pee in the middle of the night, I will hold it until I almost piss myself. It terrifies me that bad.

I'm also terrified of being pregnant. The doctors keep asking when we're going to try again so they can try this hormone therapy. But I don't want to be pregnant again. Being pregnant again means there's another chance that I could have to live through this again.

I'm violent now. Much more than I've ever been. I'd rather punch you in the throat than give you another opportunity to say something else. I try to just make myself walk away, but it doesn't always happen.

I'm terrified of my doctors. I don't trust them. They don't listen to me. They overlook things. They misdiagnose things. And there's nothing I can do about it. I don't want them to touch me. I don't want them to treat me. I don't want them anywhere near me. 

Right now, I'd rather go the rest of my life without talking to another person than have to deal with any of these people. But since I can't do that, I'm going to suck it up another day, and I'm going to finally crawl into bed after a long night at work and cry myself to sleep.


Virginia said...

I so understand this. I'm not sure the anger ever goes away. I am much less angry than I used to be, but I still get angry with people, with things said or implied or inferred. And I feel that if you haven't been in my shoes, you should just shut up (I've never said that to anyone, but boy, have I wanted to.)

It doesn't help to know that this is all normal--but I can tell you that it is. But it sucks.

Oh, and the God thing? I don't know how I feel anymore either--I talk to God a lot and yet I feel like maybe I am agnostic, bordering on atheist. I can't work it out...or maybe I don't want to, yet.

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