Friday, June 24, 2011


When I lost Lilly last summer, my dad wanted to do a memorial service, of sorts. Something to feel like he had some tiny bit of closure. He wanted to plant some flowers for her in a special flower bed. I wasn't ready to face a memorial service. Or flowers. Or anything else. I was traumatized, and I needed to work through that before I could even begin to grasp the idea of anything like that.

In April, we lost Brake. Once again, my dad was left without any kind of closure. It was even worse for him this time because I was on the other side of the country. I couldn't bring myself to go home while on medical leave. I just couldn't do it.

I'm going home in 9 days.

My parents have been trying to plan a memorial garden for both of the babies. Somewhere pretty and special, just for them. The family wants to do a late memorial service in the garden. I think I can handle it this time.

Mom told me today that they don't wanna do anything in the garden until I get there. They want me to help with it so that it's done how I want it. I usually jump on projects like this because I love designing things almost as much as I love flowers and playing in the dirt.

But this time I'm drawing blanks. I have no idea what to do with it. I have no idea what kinda flowers I want in it. I have no idea how to do a memorial service for babies that the rest of the family never got a chance to meet.

I want to throw myself into this project, but it feels like I want a distraction more than anything. The uncle that I wrote the dream about a few weeks ago? His baby was born last night. I'm so not ready to face a baby at home. I'm not ready to listen to the family's excitement while I'm there mourning my own babies. I want to throw every bit of thought and energy I can muster into this garden, just so that I don't hafta think about that baby. It makes me feel bad because it's not her fault, and I feel like I'm angry at her for being born right now.

I'm trying to sketch out some ideas for this garden, and I'm trying to not think about that baby, or my uncle, or the pain that keeps pulling me down.

Did any of yall do something like this? A memorial service? A garden?
Do you at least have some ideas you can share?


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