Wednesday, June 22, 2011


Ever feel like too many people are pulling you in too many directions and there are too many things going on around you? That's how I feel right now.

Most of my attention is focused on work. I'm trying hard to play catch up and be where I need to with my qualifications. I'm relatively new to this job, so I'm also having to learn everything in a pretty short time. My chain of command is projecting for my complete qualification within the next 6 months, even though it takes most people an average of 18 months. I'm a pretty hard charger, but given the hell I've been through the past couple months, I just don't have the heart to put into it like I need. I'm also being discouraged by the people that are supposed to be training me. I'm still trying, but it feels a little fruitless.

I'm still fighting with Medical about this supposed hormone therapy and infertility testing mess. It shouldn't be so hard to get good medical care, especially since good health and medical readiness are a REQUIREMENT for us. From the research I've done on my own, this hormone imbalance is a potential cause of the rest of the problems I'm having, so it seems like they would want to fix it now, rather than whenever I get pregnant again. Either way, I'm still fighting for a second opinion. After the doctor misdiagnosed labor pains and contractions for "a growing uterus", it seems like my reasons would be well understood. I hate arguing that point with them so much because then I relive that nightmare again and the anger toward that doctor continues to grow. One of these days I'm gonna stop arguing and I'm gonna just punch the guy in the throat. I'll lose some rank, but it would be well worth it.

I'm supposed to be going home on leave in a couple weeks. I'm nervous. Usually going home is a great and relaxing thing. But I'll be home for the 4th of July. Felichia's birthday. It's the first time I've been home for it in almost 4 years. I'm also coming up on 1 year since I lost Lilly. My parents are fixing a memorial garden at their house, and they talked about the family wanting to do a memorial service for both the babies when I come home. That means facing the ugly reality of death for 3 of the people I love the most.

My ex-husband has been calling me a lot lately. I told him I would try to be on friendly terms with him as much as I can, especially when he really does need something. It's hard. My divorce was the biggest slap in the face of my entire life. It was the beginning of the crumbling mountain. He wants to see me when I come home. That means another ugly face of failure. I don't think I'm ready for that one.

The counselor I've been seeing says that some of my dreams and feelings towards God and my church are symbolic of being angry at myself or not forgiving myself for something in the past. I've thought about it a lot lately, and I think most of it is my divorce. Although I was the one that filed for the divorce and gave him really no choice in the matter, I've never fully recovered from that. I've been so happy with Bryan that I liked to think I was over it, and I guess I was to a point. But looking at it, especially with everything going on right now, I'm definitely not over it. Hell, I'm reluctant to marry Bryan just because marriage is one step closer to divorce.

Things are still good with Bryan, but the mental strain of this mess is definitely starting to take its toll. He's stressed out too, and stress combined with his combat-related PTSD is hard. He's so defensive lately, usually for no apparent reason. Small things start big arguments. Afternoon naps turn into sweaty nightmares. He fights in his sleep a lot, so it's not uncommon to wake up to him choking me as he sleeps. We're getting set to move into a new place at the end of next month. Hopefully the new setting will be good for us. I'll be away from this damn bathroom, so hopefully at least those nightmares will stop. It's weird to have nightmares because of a bathroom. I'm terrified of using the bathroom at night. That's part of the reason I'm on Mids now, so that I'm not home during the night. It's a lot cheaper, so at least some of the money stress will go away. And it's on a back road, so I'll feel a lot safer running on the street in the mornings.

Maybe this trip will be better than I'm anticipating, and I can get that much needed break and renewal.


Anonymous said...

*Hugs* I have no cheerful, pick-me-up things to say since I feel overwhelmed, as well. I'm trying to take things one moment/minute/hour/day at a time, but sometimes that's hard and drains me of energy. I just wanted you to know I'm cheering you on and you're in my thoughts.

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