Monday, June 6, 2011

Faith and Trust.

Last summer when we lost Lilly, so many people told us to cling tight to our faith and trust in God to pull us through. Especially when I had to move across the country a month after it happened and spend the winter here alone.

When we lost Brake a few months ago, people said the same thing again. Cling tight to our faith and trust in God.

I'm trying. I'm trying really hard. But I feel like I can't find that trust anymore.

I know He's there. I know He's pulling me through this. I know one day this will feel a little better.

But the trust. I just don't feel it.

You know when things are going really great, and you feel like you are standing on top of the world? And then something bad happens and something else bad happens, and you start to feel like a boulder crashing down the side of a mountain?

Well, that's not what I feel like.

It feels like I'm on top of that mountain, and the mountain itself is crumbling and crashing underneath me.

Every bit of my being has been broken, completely to my core. Everything I believed in and held my faith in has been shaken. My foundations shaken and falling apart. Like everything is crumbling to pieces and I'm just riding the rubble as it falls down.

I hate when people I know tell me to stop feeling like that. Tell me they know how I feel. Tell me it's all for a reason. Tell me it wasn't meant to be.

You may know how it feels to lose a baby. But that doesn't mean you know the rest of what I'm feeling. There is a lot more to my grief than just my baby dying. Like that I'm 3000 miles away from my family, that my doctor is an ignorant asshole that called my son medical waste after not listening to my cries about contractions, that part of my complications were caused by a man that raped me when I was 4, that that same monster is having a baby of his own next month, that I am STILL terrified of going into the bathroom at night, that I can't get the image of my babies struggling with their 10 minutes of life out of my head. Yes, you might know how you felt about losing your baby, but you don't know how I feel about mine.

And NO ONE, ABSOLUTELY NO ONE should ever say some stupid shit about how it's all for a reason or it's just not meant to be. I don't care what you think you know about my situation or my grief, or even what you think about your own grief. That is something you should never ever say to anyone grieving the loss of a loved one, especially a baby.

The next person I hafta hear that shit from....I'm gonna punch them in the throat.

Things are really hard at work right now. Dealing with Medical is a huge mess. Today I was told I couldn't have a 2nd opinion from an outside provider because I'm active duty. Bryan is still not able to find a job, so things are getting rough financially. It's hard being the sole provider, even though it's just the two of us. This place is crazy expensive to live in. It's put a big strain on our relationship because I'm stressed about making ends meet and he's stressed about not being able to help more. That makes me even more stressed because I can't stand the thought of losing him too.

I know most of the country is feeling the same kinda stress. It's hard for everyone right now. But it feels like it's just one thing after another lately. Sure, it's a good distraction from thinking about my babies. At least for a little while. Then I just get stressed out and overwhelmed and I break out in hives all over my body and fight to not break down in tears every time someone tries to talk to me. Just more of that mountain crumbling.

Part of me keeps reminding myself that God does stuff like that to break us down and remind us to trust Him to provide for us and carry us through. But then the angry part of me reminds myself that I trusted God to carry me through two pregnancies with healthy babies. And that didn't happen. So now I'm afraid of giving that full trust again. I afraid of giving any trust. I want to, but I don't know how anymore.....


Seraphine said...

i've been reading some of your blog (i arrived via karie's blog) and i wanted say i admire how you are able to keep it all together with so many things happening to you.

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