Sunday, May 15, 2011

I'm in a reminiscing mood, of sorts, tonight. So I'm sharing another one from my Facebook:

I really appreciate everyone’s love and support during the past week. Bryan and I both do. It truly humbles me to have so many amazing friends and family that will drop what they are doing to do whatever they can to help, even some from 3000 miles away.

At the same time, I need yall to remember that this was MY baby. And I’m going to mourn its loss however I need to.  Right now I need to mourn my baby without being criticized. Without being told what to do or not do. Without listening to the sympathetic garbage that only makes it worse. Without being told stories of your uncle’s cousin’s sister twice removed and her reproductive horrors.

Don’t tell me that it was only a miscarriage. There is NO SUCH FUCKING THING as “just” a miscarriage, especially for someone in their 5th month of pregnancy. Five months is a long time to get used to feeling someone in your belly and then suddenly lose them. 5 months. 18 weeks. 126 days. And then nothing. No more morning sickness. No more bedtime belly kisses. No more late night dance parties in my belly. Just nothing. A big empty nothing.

It does not matter if it was 18 weeks, 18 days, or even 18 years. My child is still my child. It came into this world alive in my bloody hands and it died in those same bloody hands. My child was just as real as any other child in this world, even if he was only alive for 10 minutes.  

Don’t tell me that it’s what was meant to be. It’s God’s plan. Yes, it is part of God’s plan. But you know what? So is every other bad thing that happens in this world. Divorces. Deaths. Tsunamis. All that shit.  They’re all “part of the plan”, so they’re all “just meant to be”, right? Tell that to one of the tsunami victims in Japan. I bet they’re real happy to hear it, aren’t they? Or the mother on the news whose innocent kid was gunned down at the park. I bet she’ll really love to hear about this plan. I don’t give a damn what plan it’s a part of. Telling me that over and over isn’t making my pain any better.

Stop telling me to just try again. I didn’t fall off a horse and scrape my knee. It’s not as simple as just “trying again.” I caught a living being as it came out of my body. I held it in my hands as it moved its arms and legs and eventually stopped moving. I literally watched my baby die in my hands. For a second time. How many of you can do that and just go on about the day because you can just try again?

Death is a part of life that we all experience in different forms, and it is something that we will never be able to avoid. We will lose friends. We will lose uncles, brothers, and parents. And no matter how many times you face it, it never gets any easier. We all deal with each loss differently. None of us like to hear that shit. Everyone says it. That same old cliché bullshit about how we’re so sorry, we know how you feel, it happens to everyone, you’ll pull through, blah blah blah. No one likes to hear that shit. No one. Not even the people that always say it. Sure, you have good intentions. But sometimes even those good intentions don’t turn out so great.

If I tell my doctor I’m having cramps that feel like contractions, and he tells me it’s just my uterus stretching and sends me home, I have every right to be angry at him. He might have a degree, but he doesn’t have a fucking uterus. Catching my baby four hours later? Hell yes, I’m going to be angry. Angry isn’t even the word for it.

When I was 18, my gynecologist told me that I would never have children. My reproductive system has scar tissue and deformities, some of which are the result of bad things that a really bad person did to me when I was younger. Doctors since then have told me having children wouldn't be a problem.

The hospital did a genetic workup on me and the baby, just in case they can find a reason for this. While I’m sitting at home waiting for test results, rubbing the hurting belly that is now empty, that horrid excuse of a person that is potentially a reason I lost my baby...he’s having one of his own. That alone is angering beyond belief. And I don’t see that anger going away anytime soon.

In just the past 2 years of my life, I have been through marriage, divorce, cervical cancer, irreversible kidney damage, loss of some of my closest friends, and the loss of 2 children. And I’ve done it all without complaining, blaming, asking for pity, or causing much unnecessary drama. All I’ve asked for is space, time, and prayers. Once again, I’m on that ledge where I need as much support as I can get. But please remember that sometimes even silent support goes a really long way. A simple “I’m thinking of you” or “I’m praying for you” works just fine. If you need to say much more than that, you really shouldn’t waste your time or your breath…….


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