Wednesday, April 25, 2012

Some venting. Some updates. And some pictures.

**There are a few pregnancy pictures in this post. I just wanna put that out there, just in case any of yall aren't quite ready for those.**

Soon after finding out about this pregnancy, I was moved out of my squadron to a more "pregnancy friendly" place on base. Instead of working on the planes, this place works on the parts and electrical components for them. I let my Chief know that I was a high risk pregnancy because of possible pre-term labor issues and two previous losses. Since the doctor kept saying "wait and see", Chief put me on 2-3 hour days. He didn't want to take any chances of me having contractions or going into labor at work, like what happened last year. He has made it a point to make work as stress free as possible.

When I first got here, I found out that I was one of about 30 pregnant women in the command. My honest first reaction? "What the hell do I do if something goes wrong and I have to see so many of these pregnant women every day?" But then I started realizing that it was actually kinda nice to be around other pregnant women. Especially since I was no longer the only one.

They understood the bad days, the sickness, and the exhaustion. They genuinely asked how I was feeling and how the baby was doing.

But then when we were in a class or group setting, the conversation always turned to complaints. And I started to feel very alone again.

They were mad because they were gaining weight. They were mad because the baby kicked too much. They were mad because the baby looked gross on the ultrasound. They were mad because they had to wear maternity uniforms. Some were mad that I got to see the doctor more often than they did. Or that I've had more ultrasounds than they have. Some of them just seemed like they have never asked questions or read anything or even talked to anyone else that has ever been pregnant.

They have so much anger. So much irritation. So much that they have no idea about. So much jealousy.

I understand the frustrations of pregnancy. But I feel so alone during these conversations. I want to gain weight. I want to look pregnant. I want to feel the baby kicking, even when it hurts. I want to worry about nursery colors and cute clothes.

I want to be that young and naive first time mother.

But I'm not. And I can't pretend to be. I don't think I will ever be able to make an entire pregnancy without worrying whether I'll bring my baby home.

Today I hit 21 weeks. A few weeks ago during one of my cervical checks, the ultrasound lady told me that we're having a little boy. Over the last few weeks, we have seen that he is a little boy who seems to be VERY proud of his boy parts.

It felt really good to find out his gender by ultrasound. We didn't know what Brake was until I was holding him in my hands. We also didn't know what Lilly was. It might not seem like a big deal, but it did so much for giving me hope for this one.

Bryan is showing a little more excitement than fear now, which also helps tremendously. He wants to put the crib together already, but I'm not quite ready for that. We were trying to get some prices for the bigger stuff, like car seats and strollers and a crib mattress, just so that we had an idea of what we are looking at possibly spending in the next few months. There's a super nice little baby consignment store in town that we had never seen before, so we checked it out.

Bryan picked out our little guy's first clothes. He saw the hat and started smiling and giggling and was so excited because he has one just like it. He wouldn't leave the store without it. And then he found a jacket. And a few shirts and onesies.

Part of me can't help but feel bad because we never had time to get things like this for Brake or Lilly. Everything happened so early and so quickly. I know I probably shouldn't let it get to me, but I really can't help it.

I am also happy to report that I am FINALLY starting to put on a little weight. I lost so much weight with all that morning sickness that lasted forever. I have only recently stopped throwing up on a regular basis. I've gained about 4 pounds of it back....for a grand total of 134 pounds.

I've been asked several times to post a belly shot. I feel weird posting it, but there ya go. (Please excuse the pants, they aren't very comfy at this point.)

Everyone keeps telling me I don't even look pregnant, but I'm so happy to be this big. I'm just happy that my baby is still in there and still growing. Doc said that I'm still pretty far behind on my weight gain, so if I haven't gained much more in the next few weeks she wants to send me to a nutritionist. I eat really healthy, and I'm eating on a much more regular basis (now that it's staying down), so I don't think that's gonna do anything. And the last time I saw a nutritionist, I was told I have an eating disorder because I eat too healthy for someone my age. She wasn't taking into consideration that I have a kidney deformity that makes me prone to chronic kidney stones that I can't pass, so I need to stay away from junk. Or the fact that I grew up on a farm and all I've ever known is eating healthy. So needless to say, I'm not very excited about seeing another one.

Thanks for all the prayers, support, and positive thoughts so far. They really mean a lot.


Maxie's Mommy said...

You look beautiful!

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