Weekend.

**Just a warning, there's a picture in this one too.**

Early in the afternoon I started a peach cobbler. I made some sweet tea. I turned on some good music. Then I started cleaning.

There's a lot that I've been needing to do around here. Like sorting through clothes that I don't want to put away. Or putting Bryan's school books onto a book shelf instead of the stack in front of the shelf. Bryan's mom, grandma, and little sister are coming to visit in a little over a week, so it seemed like the perfect motivation to get some of this stuff done.

I've been breaking it into small tasks so that I don't overwhelm myself. (Last time I strained my back so bad I couldn't get out of bed the next day. Not good.) In reality, I probably haven't actually accomplished much at all. But at least it feels like I have, and that's all that matters, right?


When my cobbler was done, I decided it was time for a good break. I grabbed a big bowl of cobbler and a glass of tea, and I sat down here to play on the interweb for a while. The neighbor is mowing. The dog is watching the big ships moving through the harbor. Everything is just so...peaceful. More than it has been in a long time.

I wanted to take a few minutes to thank yall for your comments, prayers, thoughts, and encouragement over the last several months. It really means so much.


We had our anatomy scan yesterday. I was super nervous...and extremely uncomfortable from all the water I had to drink beforehand. At one point, the radiologist was doing something that put the doppler colors on the screen. I'm not sure what it was for, but I remembered that last year when I saw something like that, the radiologist at the ER was showing me that my uterus was filled with blood, just two days before everything went so wrong with Brake. I almost lost it seeing all that again. But it turns out that everything is fine. Our little guy is measuring 5 days ahead and weighs just over a pound.

Here's a shot of his profile. We tried to get a good look at his face, but all we could get was his mouth and nose. If he talks as much as he moves his mouth in there, he's definitely taking after his momma. :-)


I just turned my head to look at something across the room and noticed that Brake's urn is sitting right next to me. I didn't see it earlier, but I guess I moved it when I was cleaning. And for the first time in a while, it made me smile.


Yall have a wonderful weekend!

Some venting. Some updates. And some pictures.

**There are a few pregnancy pictures in this post. I just wanna put that out there, just in case any of yall aren't quite ready for those.**



Soon after finding out about this pregnancy, I was moved out of my squadron to a more "pregnancy friendly" place on base. Instead of working on the planes, this place works on the parts and electrical components for them. I let my Chief know that I was a high risk pregnancy because of possible pre-term labor issues and two previous losses. Since the doctor kept saying "wait and see", Chief put me on 2-3 hour days. He didn't want to take any chances of me having contractions or going into labor at work, like what happened last year. He has made it a point to make work as stress free as possible.

When I first got here, I found out that I was one of about 30 pregnant women in the command. My honest first reaction? "What the hell do I do if something goes wrong and I have to see so many of these pregnant women every day?" But then I started realizing that it was actually kinda nice to be around other pregnant women. Especially since I was no longer the only one.

They understood the bad days, the sickness, and the exhaustion. They genuinely asked how I was feeling and how the baby was doing.

But then when we were in a class or group setting, the conversation always turned to complaints. And I started to feel very alone again.

They were mad because they were gaining weight. They were mad because the baby kicked too much. They were mad because the baby looked gross on the ultrasound. They were mad because they had to wear maternity uniforms. Some were mad that I got to see the doctor more often than they did. Or that I've had more ultrasounds than they have. Some of them just seemed like they have never asked questions or read anything or even talked to anyone else that has ever been pregnant.

They have so much anger. So much irritation. So much that they have no idea about. So much jealousy.

I understand the frustrations of pregnancy. But I feel so alone during these conversations. I want to gain weight. I want to look pregnant. I want to feel the baby kicking, even when it hurts. I want to worry about nursery colors and cute clothes.

I want to be that young and naive first time mother.

But I'm not. And I can't pretend to be. I don't think I will ever be able to make an entire pregnancy without worrying whether I'll bring my baby home.



Today I hit 21 weeks. A few weeks ago during one of my cervical checks, the ultrasound lady told me that we're having a little boy. Over the last few weeks, we have seen that he is a little boy who seems to be VERY proud of his boy parts.

It felt really good to find out his gender by ultrasound. We didn't know what Brake was until I was holding him in my hands. We also didn't know what Lilly was. It might not seem like a big deal, but it did so much for giving me hope for this one.

Bryan is showing a little more excitement than fear now, which also helps tremendously. He wants to put the crib together already, but I'm not quite ready for that. We were trying to get some prices for the bigger stuff, like car seats and strollers and a crib mattress, just so that we had an idea of what we are looking at possibly spending in the next few months. There's a super nice little baby consignment store in town that we had never seen before, so we checked it out.

Bryan picked out our little guy's first clothes. He saw the hat and started smiling and giggling and was so excited because he has one just like it. He wouldn't leave the store without it. And then he found a jacket. And a few shirts and onesies.

Part of me can't help but feel bad because we never had time to get things like this for Brake or Lilly. Everything happened so early and so quickly. I know I probably shouldn't let it get to me, but I really can't help it.

I am also happy to report that I am FINALLY starting to put on a little weight. I lost so much weight with all that morning sickness that lasted forever. I have only recently stopped throwing up on a regular basis. I've gained about 4 pounds of it back....for a grand total of 134 pounds.

I've been asked several times to post a belly shot. I feel weird posting it, but there ya go. (Please excuse the pants, they aren't very comfy at this point.)

Everyone keeps telling me I don't even look pregnant, but I'm so happy to be this big. I'm just happy that my baby is still in there and still growing. Doc said that I'm still pretty far behind on my weight gain, so if I haven't gained much more in the next few weeks she wants to send me to a nutritionist. I eat really healthy, and I'm eating on a much more regular basis (now that it's staying down), so I don't think that's gonna do anything. And the last time I saw a nutritionist, I was told I have an eating disorder because I eat too healthy for someone my age. She wasn't taking into consideration that I have a kidney deformity that makes me prone to chronic kidney stones that I can't pass, so I need to stay away from junk. Or the fact that I grew up on a farm and all I've ever known is eating healthy. So needless to say, I'm not very excited about seeing another one.


Thanks for all the prayers, support, and positive thoughts so far. They really mean a lot.

Monday.

I have quite a bit to say, but I just don't have the energy or the motivation to sit down and get it all out. Not just yet. Bryan and I took Austin to the dog park this morning after work, and I found this little guy. Maybe it's because we made wishes on these things growing up. Maybe it's because ladybugs remind so many people of their little ones. Whatever it is, something about this shot made me think of yall. Hope you're all having a peaceful Monday.

Baseball, babies, and a new guy.

I don't really have much to say tonight. I went to my first ever real baseball game today, and I'm completely exhausted. Apparently it was a pretty historic event because the White Sox pitched a perfect game. Pretty cool for my first one, I guess.

On our way to the game, just below the house, there was a momma duck and a bunch of babies trying to cross the road. I wanted to stop and make sure they crossed safely. Bryan wouldn't. And then he made fun of me all day for being upset about it. 

When we got home, this pretty little guy was eating on the porch. He's a new guy in the yard. He made me happy, so I had to share him.


Today, we hit 20 weeks and 3 days. More on that later. I need sleep.

The Day Before.

Bryan has some family coming out to visit soon, so I spent most of the weekend cleaning and redecorating the extra bedroom. I wanted to go through all the boxes in the closet. Some of them were full of random stuff that needed to be sorted...or just thrown out. It was an interesting time, to say the least. 

I have some of Andy's things tucked away in a box. His mom gave them to me on a visit home, and I think I protect them more than anything else in my house. Some of the things are from his childhood, and I know how hard it was for her to part with them. When I opened the box, I could smell him. It was so familiar, so comforting. I was amazed at how a simple smell could get me lost in a late summer night, sitting on the back porch, enjoying a gentle breeze and six pack with one of the greatest people I've ever known. And then the little guy in my belly started wiggling and kicking, and I quickly remembered that I wasn't on a back porch. I was sitting in a tiny closet, curled up in fetal position with a shirt.

Later in the evening, I went through some pictures. Some are framed and have been boxed up since I moved from Boston. Some were just in a big stack, waiting to be framed or put into albums. 

And then this one fell out. From 2006. July 4, to be exact. 

The day before my sister left home.

The day before F's accident.

The day before the news that brought my world crashing down and forever changed my family.

The day before those words that still make my entire body shudder.



I look at that picture, and I see a completely different person than the one I see in the mirror now.



The day before that picture was taken, the hardest decisions I had to make were whether I wanted to go swimming or fishing after work...or if I wanted to have chicken or steak at Uncle Chuck's while I played with the kids. 

So young. So much happiness. So much innocence. So completely oblivious to what the future would hold....dead friends...divorce...dead babies.


I look at that picture, and I'm honestly a little envious....and would give just about anything to go back to that day, just more time.

Milestones.

Early this morning, I hit a HUGE milestone.

This is probably a bit of over sharing, but when I realized it, I wanted to celebrate.

I got up in the middle of the night to pee without a second thought or ounce of fear.

I know that probably sounds really silly, but this is seriously the first time in almost TWO years that I haven't been terrified of just walking into the bathroom in the middle of the night. After waking up in the middle of the night and almost bleeding to death in the bathroom floor when I lost Lilly, something that should be completely normal was excruciating for me. I would lay in bed for hours, painfully trying to hold it and force myself back to sleep, simply because I was terrified of going in there and seeing blood, even when I wasn't pregnant and knew nothing would happen.

This irrational fear was actually the cause of a lot of horrible flashbacks and nightmares.

I don't know what changed or what happened or why it was suddenly no problem this morning, but it was a huge relief and I hope it continues. I almost feel like a normal person again.



I have a three day weekend, so weather permitting, I'll be out planting flowers and prettying up the patio a little more. Oh, and I'm taking the ACT this weekend. I need to bring my math score up by one more point for a special program I'm trying to get into with work. Prayers and good thoughts are greatly appreciated!

Have a great weekend!

Today.

Today I am farther along than I've ever been in a pregnancy.

I'm not sure if I'm more excited or terrified.


Happy Easter, everyone.

April 5.

Thursday came...and went...and to be completely honest, I slept through most of it.

I heavily debated posting about Brake on my Facebook. I finally gave in and made the post. And just like every other time, there were comments and messages that made me feel like I have to defend my acknowledgement of my babies. I hate those. Especially when they always compare it to someone/something else.

I cried. And then I got mad at myself for crying over something as stupid as Facebook.

So I just crawled into my bed and slept the entire day away.

I feel horrible that I didn't do something. A balloon. A candle. Some flowers. Anything.

But I think the worst feeling of all was Bryan not acknowledging Brake. He typically keeps to himself about things like that, and I completely understand that, but this time, on a day like that, on that particular day, I really needed to hear him talk about our son. It really hurt my feelings.


Today is turning into an equally tearful day. I think it's time to go back to bed.

Monday.

It's only Monday, and this is already turning into one of the longest weeks of my life. I'm dreading Thursday, but at the same time just wanting to get it over with already. And that makes me feel horrible.

I'm extremely sore, but I'm starting to keep food down. I'm up to a whopping 129.2 pounds. (As opposed to the 140 that I was in December.) My cervix looked fine a few days ago, but today it felt like the baby was settled a lot lower than normal. The pressure in my belly feels like it has dropped a couple inches, and it's a bit unsettling. But I'm to the point that I don't know what is actually a problem and what is anxiety.

On a somewhat brighter note, here's a look at how I've been spending the last couple weeks of short work days and a lot of lounging.

Maybe I'm crazy, but I've actually given the squirrel a name. I call her "Little Momma". She would lay in the sun on the roof of the bird house while she was pregnant. Now she's had her babies, and she scours the porch trying to rob food from the bird feeder, so I put some out just for her. I find her stare downs with the care pretty entertaining.


Here's to hoping the week goes by smoothly...