Bruises and Heavy Hearts, Revisited.

My heart is heavy. My hometown is heartbroken. My little brother is heartbroken. And there's nothing I can do about it. I hate being so far away from my brother needs a shoulder. I hate being so far away and missing him growing up.

I was framing pictures from Carly when I got word of Kainen's life support being pulled. His situation was so similar to F's, and it hurts my heart so much. I immediately emailed Carly to do a sunset butterfly for Kainen. I emailed it to his brother today. I know it can't fix the pain, but it's all I can do from 3000 miles away.

(In the video, they mentioned something about 300+ students visiting. There are only 500 in the school, so that's a much bigger deal than it sounds. There's less than 2,000 people in the town and only about 12,000 in the whole county. )


On a happier note, I met and had smoothies with Ayla yesterday morning. She's a great blogger friend who, as it turns out, lives in the same town. And by the same town, I mean the same tiny town on this tiny island. How fun is that?! It was so awesome to spend time with such a wonderful person. And she brought me some stuff to make my bruises better. It's only been a day, but they do seem a little lighter. I hope that means it's working!

 

That last one was taken with better lighting, so you can see the yuckiness a little better. That's just my left arm. It's the worst one, and I keep hitting it on everything. I think I should invest in one of those bubbles.....

Update on Lilly's Dream.

I was wide awake at 5 AM, so I spent most of the morning working on some of this non-profit stuff. Still a long way to go with finishing up all the paperwork and legal stuff, but I'm getting there. I did start a WordPress based website, but I'm still trying to figure WordPress out so that might be a while before it's up and running.

I did get quite a bit done on a Facebook page though. That is still a work in progress as well, but it's showing the most progress....

I'm still working on putting together a community event for October 15th. I should have something posted with details later this week, as well as have it in the local papers.

I should have my sample care package together by the end of next week. Hopefully more of the legal papers and bank stuff will be set up by then. I'm hoping I can get some volunteers together to help make some of the blankets and memory books so that it will help keep the costs down. I'll post more about that later, but if you know anyone that would be interested, send them my way please.


Oh, and my bruises are looking better. I still feel like I've been hit by the plane, but some healing is better than no healing, right?

Bruises and Heavy Hearts.

It's 8 AM. I've been wide awake for an hour, staring at this blank screen, with a hurting body and a very heavy heart.

About a month or so ago, I wrote about how I hate my job because of the hell it puts my body through. I'm not actively trying to get pregnant again right now. But when that time comes, I want to be healthy and strong again, with my body as perfect as it can be to safely carry my baby as long as it possibly can. I can take some bumps and bruises, and I'm clumsy so I do hurt myself a lot. But when I come home looking like this:

I can't take that quite as well. The lighting in the bathroom isn't very good for pictures, so these don't even begin to show you how deep and dark these really are. I'm bruised from wrist to armpit on both sides of both arms...some of them are the size of my hands or bigger. My ribs, both of my legs, and my right hip are bruised. My chin is bruised. I have abrasions on my neck. I have cuts and knots on my head, hiding under all that hair. My fingers are stiff and sore and full of cuts. It hurts to move. It hurts to lay down. It hurts to breathe. It hurts to wear clothes. And when I sleep, I curl up and my head hits my arms and I wake up screaming.

That's not the first time I've come home from work looking like this. It's the first time it's been this bad, but this does happen fairly often.

So what did I do? I was reaching and crawling into the engine bay on an airplane to replace some wiring harnesses. Yes, I look like I've survived a plane crash just because I work on those damn things.

And I hate it. How am I supposed to stay healthy and strong when I look like that on a regular basis?! The thought of going in on Sunday night makes me cringe and cry, even though I know we won't be doing this same task for a while.


To add to all this mess, things on the home front aren't going so well right now. Communication sucks. Attitudes suck. The "I'm an adult and can do what I want which means I'm doing nothing" mentality sucks. The "I'm gonna make fun of everything about you that I can so that I can laugh and feel better about myself" game sucks. Feeling like I'm the only grown up in this place sucks.

I know relationships take a lot of work, but lately the work feels very one sided. I'm tired, weary, and depressed. I can't carry this load by myself. I don't want to be the grown up anymore.


I wanted to paint this morning, but it's cold outside. I have some studying to do, but I can't stand the smell of the dishes he promised to wash four days ago. I want to run, but my body hurts too bad.

I think I'm going back to bed.