To Find a Friend.

On a normal work night, I leave my house around 10 pm. I usually get home around 8 am. I let the dog out, I have breakfast with Bryan if he's not in class, I attempt to clean or work on something for Lilly's Dream, and then I crash pretty hard for the rest of the day.

Today I had some work-related classes that lasted well after my normal work day. As in....getting out around 2-3 pm....when I should have already been asleep. I was determined to make it through the afternoon, so I choked down caffeine and sugar all morning. I made it through...and I was fortunate in getting the night off...but now I can't fall asleep.

I thought maybe I just needed to relax a little, so I had a good, long, relaxing soak in this awesome milk bath stuff. I turned up Pandora on my phone (best thing about my phone, or possibly EVER) and talked to the cat, who for some weird reason is obsessed with water/tubs/sinks/showers, until I was so completely bored that I almost fell asleep in the tub.

A Tom Petty song came on that I've never heard before, "To Find a Friend". It sounds like a song about divorce, but oh my heart, how the chorus fits so perfectly to life after my babies....

And the days went by like paper in the wind
Everything changed, then changed again
It's hard to find a friend
It's hard to find a friend

   [To Find a Friend, by Tom Petty]

I never imagined how much friendships would change after losing a baby. I never imagined how hard normal conversations could be. I never imagined how alone a person could feel in a room full of people, especially when surrounded by other moms. I never imagined how much more it would mean to find friends that know, that understand, that truly care.


[Now that I'm out of the bath, I'm wide awake again. Dammit.]