Tuesday, October 11, 2011

To Find a Friend.

On a normal work night, I leave my house around 10 pm. I usually get home around 8 am. I let the dog out, I have breakfast with Bryan if he's not in class, I attempt to clean or work on something for Lilly's Dream, and then I crash pretty hard for the rest of the day.

Today I had some work-related classes that lasted well after my normal work day. As in....getting out around 2-3 pm....when I should have already been asleep. I was determined to make it through the afternoon, so I choked down caffeine and sugar all morning. I made it through...and I was fortunate in getting the night off...but now I can't fall asleep.

I thought maybe I just needed to relax a little, so I had a good, long, relaxing soak in this awesome milk bath stuff. I turned up Pandora on my phone (best thing about my phone, or possibly EVER) and talked to the cat, who for some weird reason is obsessed with water/tubs/sinks/showers, until I was so completely bored that I almost fell asleep in the tub.

A Tom Petty song came on that I've never heard before, "To Find a Friend". It sounds like a song about divorce, but oh my heart, how the chorus fits so perfectly to life after my babies....

And the days went by like paper in the wind
Everything changed, then changed again
It's hard to find a friend
It's hard to find a friend
   [To Find a Friend, by Tom Petty]
I never imagined how much friendships would change after losing a baby. I never imagined how hard normal conversations could be. I never imagined how alone a person could feel in a room full of people, especially when surrounded by other moms. I never imagined how much more it would mean to find friends that know, that understand, that truly care.

[Now that I'm out of the bath, I'm wide awake again. Dammit.]


Natasha said...

Friendships do change completely after losing a child. It's so easy to be around a million people and feel all alone. And friends who should have been there seen to have disappeared.

Thinking of you and sending lots of love.....xoxo

Valerie said...

Nika. I saw your comment on Mandy's blog. After reading that you too have lost two babies, I popped into your blog. I am so sorry for your loss and share so many of your moments and feelings, especially about losing your friends and feeling alone. I struggle with making new friends with someone who has never lost, and find it difficult be on their level. They don't get the down days, the bad days, the feeling lost, depressed, etc. days.

I just wanted to say hello and send you a hug.


Crystal said...

I half expected people to ignore me after my loss. I just didn't expect it to hurt so much when they did. :-(

Nika M. said...

It wasn't the ignoring that hurt me so much as the criticism.

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