Tuesday, May 29, 2012


Finding out I was pregnant was terrifying. It took a while, but I eventually started letting myself enjoy it and feel excited. But even with the excitement, I still try to be cautious.

I eat right. I try to get plenty of rest. I try to read as much baby stuff as I can stand. I read safety reviews and medical studies. I take pictures and try to take (and enjoy) this journey one day at a time.

But baby shopping?

I still can't bring myself to do it. I have less than 100 days left until my due date, and I can't bring myself to walk into a store to buy baby stuff. Just the thought of it makes me feel like my chest is gonna explode.

Over the past couple weeks, Bryan has tried to convince me that it's time to put the crib together. (We were given one last year for Brake.) His mother has been asking about our baby registry. About what the nursery is gonna look like. About what they should buy for us and what we need. People are expecting me to have answers. To be excited and prepared, jumping at the mere idea of nursery themes and colors.

But...I don't.

I don't have answers or ideas. I'm not prepared. Not even close. I took one look at the Babies R Us registry page, and I was immediately so overwhelmed I started crying.

Someone asked me why I'm making it so much harder than it should be.

My completely honest answer?

I'm not making it hard. It just is that hard. Because I don't know how to prepare for a baby that comes home. I know how to pick out funeral homes and urns. I know about genetic testing and memorial gardens and special photography. That's all I've ever known of pregnancy. So when you tell me that I have less than 100 days until I'm supposed to bring a baby home, and I'm supposed to have all these answers about all these things that I need in my house, I don't know what to do. It's overwhelming. It's terrifying. It's just hard.


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