Late Night Rambling.

I'm stuck in the front office tonight at work. Eight hours sitting at a computer and a phone gets boring really quick, so I'm taking full advantage of this time to work out some more details with this non-profit.

I haven't talked about it much because I wanted to wait til everything is official and up and running. But that's taking some time, and tonight I just need to talk about it. Even if I'm only talking to a keyboard while the rest of the world sleeps. (That's what it feels like tonight, anyway.)

I'm both super excited and super scared at the same time. This is a HUGE leap of faith for me. It's also a lot to juggle with my crazy schedule and an upcoming deployment. I know I'm supposed to do this though, so it will be worth all of the hard work and sleepless nights and ridiculous stress.

I'm hoping to have everything up and running before October 15th. (National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day.) In reality I don't think it's gonna happen, but that's what I'm pushing for. I'd like to put together a community event for the day, but that's really where the fear starts coming into play. I can put together care packages like it's nothing. But when it comes to a big public event, I'm terrified of putting everything in me into pulling it together, just to fall on my face when everything goes wrong or no one shows up.

Specifically, I'd like to do a balloon release that day. I want to attach the names of our babies to balloons and let them go. I wanted to do it from the top of Mt. Erie, but Bryan says it's too small. If families wanted to see the balloon release, there wouldn't be much room for many people. If I opened it up to more people, I have to find a place to do it. But if I have a bigger place and more people, they're probably gonna want more than just some balloons flying off. So I have to find something else to include for the afternoon. And I have to find a place to do it. But if I don't know how many people would be interested, I don't know how big of a place to do it. And since no one has ever heard of this organization before, no one is really gonna have any idea what it is or what's going on. I have no idea how receptive the community is going to be.

And now I'm rambling, aren't I?

Sigh.

Maybe I just think too much. Or just over analyze too much. Or maybe I just need to be doing something more productive than sitting in this damn office.


The fun part is coming up with ideas for care packages. I want to put one together, like a model package of sorts, to take to the hospitals here. I want to sit down with someone that I can talk to about donating them. Ideally, I'd like to get an idea of how often a family loses a baby in this area, so that I can gauge how many packages to have on hand each month. I'd like to have a package for any kind of loss. Miscarriages, stillbirths, infants, everything. (I hated hearing that my miscarriage wasn't like losing a real baby. In my eyes, losing a baby is hell, regardless of how or why or when, and none of that shit matters. It's all a loss, and it all hurts.) If I have a model package for them to see, they can potentially offer some ideas of other things that might be helpful to add.

I've been looking at blankets tonight. My mom made Brake a rag quilt, and I would give anything to have a picture of him wrapped up in it. Sometimes I pull it out and hold it, even though I'd much rather be holding him. It's been fun to look at blankets and think that some of them will be able to bring another family some comfort.

Even though it's gonna cost a little more and take a little more work, I'm thinking I might keep these care packages mostly handmade. Maybe handmade isn't the best word. Stuff from small shops and artists. Etsy type shops. Stuff made with love and purpose. Stuff with details that stick with you. I always liked those kinds of things better than anything you can pick up at a department store. I still have some of those kinds of things from when I was a baby.


I'm working on putting a website together. I don't know much about this online interweb mess, but I'm getting there. Hopefully I'll be able to share some of it with yall soon. If not, I'll just share some updates and pictures on here.


I already have an idea of how I want to do these care packages. But I'm still curious. What kind of things did yall find most helpful or comforting? What kind of things do you wish would have been available to you?

Today.

Today is my son's due date.

I'm doing better than I thought I would. But I'm sad.

I'm not thinking so much about the what ifs or if onlys or what might have beens. I'm just sad for what isn't.

The baby that isn't being born today.

The belly that isn't big and round anymore.

The crib that isn't being used.

The books that aren't being read.


I'm sad for the life that came and went too early.

Happy.

A few months ago I dreamed about my babies. I've had several of them, but this one stood out.

As in most of the dreams, there were ponies. Lilly and Brake and F. Running through big open fields of wildflowers and tall grass. Smiling, happy, beautiful. But this time they were joined by several friends. They broke off from their friends and rode up to me with handfuls of flowers. We were on higher ground, and Lilly pointed to something off in the distance. Below us I saw people crying, their faces horribly twisted in what looked like the most horrendous pain. She looked back at me and said "Mommy they need you. They need hugs like you needed. Share your hugs with them Mommy." She looked back at her friends, back to the people, and then back to me. "Will you please share with them Mommy?"

I realized that those people were crying because those were their babies up on that hill. And I was all too familiar with that horrendous, gut wrenching pain.


For Mother's Day, we went to a small ceremony of sorts that was held by the Tears Foundation. It was a sad day for me, but it was nice to be in the company of others, in the company of understanding. But it was a 3 hour drive (one way) for us. There is nothing like that in our area. I can find more pregnancy classes than I can attend in a month, but not one single breath about losing a baby. I told Bryan that it would be nice to just start something of my own. I didn't really think much about it again until I had that dream.


A couple weeks ago I ordered some Sunset Butterfly prints from Carly Marie. After I ordered them, I went back and ordered another one for Andy's mom. And then I ordered another one for my aunt, F's mom. And then I ordered another one for another dear friend of mine. And then another one for another friend.

And then I had another dream. I briefly saw Lilly's face and her pretty red hair. "Please Mommy." I woke up, but I couldn't get those two words out of my head.

So I decided I was going to share, just like she asked.

I got an email this morning from the Secretary of State office. I am officially the founder of "Lilly's Dream", a non-profit organization designed to provide support and resources to families suffering the loss of a baby. I still have a lot of paperwork left to do. IRS and bank stuff. But it's official. And I'm so excited!

I want to do care packages to send to the local hospitals. I also want to set up a support group in this area, so I don't have to drive 3 hours for one. I think it's really important to have community support in any area, but especially in a military town like this. So many families here suffer silently without any family nearby. And the military "suck it up and get back to work because there is a mission to accomplish" mentality makes these situations even harder. (My doctor tried sending me back to work the next day because "I had a 2nd trimester miscarriage. It's not like I had a baby.") Mostly, I want parents and hospitals to have resources readily available, like I didn't have but so badly needed.

I'm still working out all the details. And a website is in the works. Hopefully I'll be sharing it soon. Hopefully things are in place and launched in time to do something for the October 15th National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. Actually, if I can get my brain to relax and get reorganized in time, I'm going to do something for that day anyway, regardless of launch status.


I'm so excited and so happy that I'm a complete nervous wreck. Or maybe that's the caffeine and lack of sleep.

Please keep me in your prayers as I figure all this out.