Thursday, August 23, 2012

Venting and an update.

I haven't been here in a while.

I'm nursing a 3 day headache from hell, so I apologize in advance if nothing I write today makes sense.

Yesterday, at 38 weeks.

All this time on bed rest has made me realize how much I miss human interaction....and how much I absolutely hate people.

I've noticed lately that a lot of women like to compare and make a sort of competition out of pregnancy and childbirth. I don't understand it. I listened to a lot of it when I was still working, but I sorta expected that there. But having complete strangers spewing pregnancy horrors at me because it's not fair that I don't have stretch marks? Or someone telling me that it's not fair that I get more appointments because I'm a high risk pregnancy? Seriously?

I've had my share of hard times and horrors. But I don't hold them against anyone. I don't compare them to anyone else. Most of the time I don't even bring them up unless I am specifically asked about them. In the first trimester, I told myself that I would love this baby with everything I have in me and that I would make the best out of this pregnancy, no matter how hard/long/short it might be. That might not sound like much, but after two losses, that's actually pretty damn hard. And it doesn't leave much room or time for comparing what I've been blessed with to what someone else has. I just wish other people could see things like that.

I've also noticed that it's much better to not talk about my pregnancy publicly. I don't have the patience for dealing with people. If I post a REAL update, we get hysterical phone calls, even though nothing is actually wrong. If I mention getting to go somewhere, I get lectured for being out of bed, even though I was cleared of strict bed rest a few weeks ago. I know there are always risks. I'm more than aware of that. But is it really that bad for me to go get a milkshake a mile from my house?! If I mention appointments or decisions, I get lectured again about how it's all bad/wrong and we should be doing more to make a better start for our child. If you don't know anything about my medical history, how do you know what is best for me or my baby? (On that note, I just want to point out that rude, hateful lectures are definitely not the way to win over a miserable pregnant woman. Just so you know.)

The thing that really gets me is the people that have recently made attacks and ugly comments about our doctor and medical decisions that have been made. We finally got a doctor that actually takes her time with us, listening to us and answering questions. She is actually taking our issues very seriously, as well as trying to prepare us for any of the complications that could arise. We really like and trust her, and that's a really big deal for me. I came into this pregnancy with a handful of issues and complications, on top of having previous losses, so I never expected this to be an easy ride. I never expected things to go smoothly. I definitely never expected it to become such a big deal to so many people that, in the big picture, really don't matter, or that don't even know us. I shouldn't have to explain myself or our decisions to these people, or to anyone else. I know my body and its issues, and I trust my doctor....and that's all that matters.

With all that being said, I want to point out that none of it was directed toward any of you. Well, not any of you that I know personally or have talked to. Yall have been wonderful through all this. Sometimes I just need to vent.

And because you sat through all that, a real update....

I was dilated to 3 cm and started having bloody show and lost pretty much all my mucous on Friday the 10th. (I feel yucky saying that stuff to yall. haha) I've been having contractions for the last few months, but they picked up. Regular contractions about every 20 minutes. We thought this was actually happening, and I felt that neurotic oh-my-god-this-is-real panic set in. So I made Bryan drive to Walmart at 10 PM because we didn't have any baby socks. (Yes. I'm serious.) I made myself calm down and try to sleep, and the contractions stopped for a while. I've been having them every day since, but we haven't made much progress. As of our last ultrasound, Little Guy looks like he has stopped growing. He was about two weeks ahead through most of the pregnancy, and then he hit 5 pounds and stopped. I know the ultrasounds aren't always accurate, especially this late in pregnancy, but 3 of them have shown him with the same measurements. His movement and heart are still showing up perfectly though. Doc wants to induce us next week if he doesn't show up on his own over the weekend. I guess it's not our ideal birth situation, but as long as my baby is ok, I'll take it. I have structural issues with my uterus and my kidneys, my cervix is pretty much non-existent, my baby stopped growing, and there's a really great chance that I will hemorrhage during birth. I'm pretty sure at this point, there are far worse things than an induction if it gets my baby here safely.

Hopefully this time next week, I'll have some great news to share with you. And then my parents and my sister will be in town for a few weeks, so I'll be missing for a while again. :-)


Jamie said...

Hugs to you. Hang in there. People are so insensitive some times.

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