12 Days.

Christmas is in 7 days.

I haven't been home for or had a real Christmas in 4 years.

Christmas used to be fun when I was a kid. We would spend Christmas Eve with the entire family at Granny's house. Papaw would make popcorn in the fireplace. Uncle Timmy would start a paper wad fight. One year my dad set the cat on fire. (The cat was ok, just for the record.) There was more pie than you could actually eat.

It was a great time for everyone. Until the grown ups started fighting. Money. Food. Being on time. What time to have it. This person wants to do this but that person wants to do that. Their fighting ruined our fun nights. They killed the magic of Christmas...especially at Granny's.

Christmas with my parents was still fun. The stockings were always my favorite part. (My first Christmas away from home, my dad made my mom mail my completely stuffed stocking to me.) And the pie. For breakfast, of course.


This year, it's just another day.

I don't want to see Santa. I don't want to see Christmas trees. I didn't get excited about seeing the light displays across the neighborhood. I even had a hard time motivating myself to send out Christmas cards.

It's weird. This unmotivated, not caring about the holidays, not wanting to indulge in any Christmas spirit or festivities hole that I seem to have fallen in. It's not about the babies. To be completely honest, nothing even close to "Christmas without my babies" has crossed my mind. It's not about not being home. I don't think it's even about not talking to half my family anymore.

I think I'm just that exhausted.


The most exciting part of Christmas this year is the 12 days of leave. 12 whole days of not having to be at work. 12 whole days of no uniforms or tight buns. 12 whole days of not dealing with people I don't like. 12 whole days of no flight line induced flashbacks. 12 whole days is the best present ever.

And to make these 12 days of leave even better, Bryan and I are spending Christmas in Oregon. In a beach front hotel overlooking the Pacific Ocean. I can't wait to spend the weekend beach combing with the dog, enjoying a big hot cocoa on the cold beach, and falling asleep to the sound of the ocean. And hopefully, catching a good Pacific storm from the warmth of our room.