Yesterday was one year since I lost Lilly.
I was sad, but I felt a lot more peaceful than I had anticipated. I keep reminding myself that I need to remember the good things that she brought to our life, rather than dwelling on the fact that she is no longer here. It's hard, but I'm getting there.
I took a nap after work this morning, and when I woke up I talked Bryan into going to the beach. My friend Connie loves collecting things from the beach, so I told her I would send her a jar of treasures from our beach. Every time I go there I take a container of some sort with me, and I fill it with shells, drift wood, sea glass, little crabs, and pretty rocks. Our beaches are rocky instead of sandy, and when the rocks are wet it looks like the beach is made of marbles. Bryan laughs at me because I will spend the entire evening picking out each individual rock, with preference to certain colors or shapes for certain people. (That's why they are "treasures" and not "just rocks".)
There was a small wedding taking place on the beach when we first arrived. We didn't want our loud, obnoxious collie ruining their wedding or the video, so we hiked up to the other side of the park until they were finished. I found a fluffy feather stuck in a tree branch, and I found this beautiful orange flower.
I was thinking about Lilly and how much fun it would be to have our babies growing up around a beautiful place like this. I imagined her playing in the splashing waves and taking her time to pick out each individual rock or shell, just like I do. I carried that little flower around with me, and it made me smile.
When I was finally finished with my collection, tiny little raindrops were starting to fall. I knew the flower would wilt and die if I kept it any longer. So I walked along the edge of the incoming tide water and placed it on one of my favorite big rocks. Eventually the waves would pick it up and carry it out to sea. It was at that moment that I finally felt like I had let her go, like I could let go of the pain, like I could smile and love her and just let it be.
In that moment, it felt like we had both been set free.