So I have a problem. A really big one.
Work.
I know I've posted about work before. Usually venting my frustrations. But this time it's more than that.
I have busted my ass to get where I am with my job. Most people, on average, take about 6-8 years to get where I got in 3 years. I bust my ass in my shop to learn this job that is completely new to me and to get my qualifications done as quickly and thoroughly as I can. It takes an average person about a year to 18 months to get fully qualified in this shop, and I'm more than halfway there in less than 6 months. Aside from the work side of it, I show up to work every day with a smile on my face, nice as hell to people that I don't even like, in a perfect uniform and perfect hair.
Every day I walk into a place where until 6 months ago, my arrival prompted several loud, cheerful "Good morning Preggo!!" greetings. Every day I walk into a place where 6 months ago I left work for the day pregnant and miserable and I came back the next day without a baby.
I work Midcheck. 3rd shift. I leave my house at 10 pm and I get home around 8 am. I sometimes have time to stop at the gym, catch a bite of breakfast with Bryan if I'm lucky, get some studying in, and then try to get some sleep. I sleep during the day. When the sun is up and the house is always bright. When the dog and the cat are going stir crazy because they need someone up to play with them. I sleep during the day in between nightmares and flashbacks....which really means that I don't get much sleep during the day and usually don't even know what day it is.
I have to cross from one island to another to get to work. There are days that I would rather drive off that damn bridge connecting the two than go into work and deal with stuff. But I go, I bust my ass, and I fucking smile about it.
And then....
....someone says that I'm using my "babies and problems" as an excuse, as a crutch.
WHAT?!?!
I can't even manage a response to that right now. It's like that one sentence derailed a speeding train and sent it crashing straight into me. I'm so overwhelmed with so much more than I even know how to explain, with so much more than I can even understand.
Several of you have dealt with similar things. I know you have. It seems like just another thing that comes along with this losing-a-baby-and-trying-to-find-a-place-in-the-world-again thing.
How has your work been affected by your loss? How have you dealt with situations like this?
There's not much stopping me from choking the life outta the next person that talks to me, so I'd really love some insight on this from yall. I know everyone's situations and reactions are different, but I think it might help to hear from some of you about your own experiences.
Thursday, October 20, 2011
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3 comments:
Nika,
I sent you an email instead of posting my suggestions here. Hopefully this person will realize the stupidity of their statement and retract it with a very humbling apology.
Steven
I worked after my first loss and had the luxury of an office with a door - which I kept closed alot. I also tend to have a pretty fierce reputation so while I imagine those comments have been made, for the most part they are behind my back.
I would just remind myself in that situation that it is easy to judge others and hard to have empathy, especially for those who have not walked in these shoes. It takes a tough skin some days just to make it through, I know. I just tried my best to get my work done the best way I could. I was also lucky enough to have a few people willing to talk to me about Wyatt and allow me to decompress at work every once in a while.
There's probably nothing you can do to change the person's mind, you are entitled to your feelings and they are yours alone - don't let someone else tell you how to feel and when to feel it.
:[ i'm so sorry dear. i don't have any advice whatsoever, but you're in my thoughts.
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