Baseball, babies, and a new guy.

I don't really have much to say tonight. I went to my first ever real baseball game today, and I'm completely exhausted. Apparently it was a pretty historic event because the White Sox pitched a perfect game. Pretty cool for my first one, I guess.

On our way to the game, just below the house, there was a momma duck and a bunch of babies trying to cross the road. I wanted to stop and make sure they crossed safely. Bryan wouldn't. And then he made fun of me all day for being upset about it. 

When we got home, this pretty little guy was eating on the porch. He's a new guy in the yard. He made me happy, so I had to share him.


Today, we hit 20 weeks and 3 days. More on that later. I need sleep.

The Day Before.

Bryan has some family coming out to visit soon, so I spent most of the weekend cleaning and redecorating the extra bedroom. I wanted to go through all the boxes in the closet. Some of them were full of random stuff that needed to be sorted...or just thrown out. It was an interesting time, to say the least. 

I have some of Andy's things tucked away in a box. His mom gave them to me on a visit home, and I think I protect them more than anything else in my house. Some of the things are from his childhood, and I know how hard it was for her to part with them. When I opened the box, I could smell him. It was so familiar, so comforting. I was amazed at how a simple smell could get me lost in a late summer night, sitting on the back porch, enjoying a gentle breeze and six pack with one of the greatest people I've ever known. And then the little guy in my belly started wiggling and kicking, and I quickly remembered that I wasn't on a back porch. I was sitting in a tiny closet, curled up in fetal position with a shirt.

Later in the evening, I went through some pictures. Some are framed and have been boxed up since I moved from Boston. Some were just in a big stack, waiting to be framed or put into albums. 

And then this one fell out. From 2006. July 4, to be exact. 

The day before my sister left home.

The day before F's accident.

The day before the news that brought my world crashing down and forever changed my family.

The day before those words that still make my entire body shudder.



I look at that picture, and I see a completely different person than the one I see in the mirror now.



The day before that picture was taken, the hardest decisions I had to make were whether I wanted to go swimming or fishing after work...or if I wanted to have chicken or steak at Uncle Chuck's while I played with the kids. 

So young. So much happiness. So much innocence. So completely oblivious to what the future would hold....dead friends...divorce...dead babies.


I look at that picture, and I'm honestly a little envious....and would give just about anything to go back to that day, just more time.

Milestones.

Early this morning, I hit a HUGE milestone.

This is probably a bit of over sharing, but when I realized it, I wanted to celebrate.

I got up in the middle of the night to pee without a second thought or ounce of fear.

I know that probably sounds really silly, but this is seriously the first time in almost TWO years that I haven't been terrified of just walking into the bathroom in the middle of the night. After waking up in the middle of the night and almost bleeding to death in the bathroom floor when I lost Lilly, something that should be completely normal was excruciating for me. I would lay in bed for hours, painfully trying to hold it and force myself back to sleep, simply because I was terrified of going in there and seeing blood, even when I wasn't pregnant and knew nothing would happen.

This irrational fear was actually the cause of a lot of horrible flashbacks and nightmares.

I don't know what changed or what happened or why it was suddenly no problem this morning, but it was a huge relief and I hope it continues. I almost feel like a normal person again.



I have a three day weekend, so weather permitting, I'll be out planting flowers and prettying up the patio a little more. Oh, and I'm taking the ACT this weekend. I need to bring my math score up by one more point for a special program I'm trying to get into with work. Prayers and good thoughts are greatly appreciated!

Have a great weekend!