Silence.

When I see pregnant women or new babies, my heart hurts, but not as bad as one might think. I ache to hold my babies again, but I hold myself together rather well.

When I see cute baby things or someone's new baby pictures, my heart hurts. I feel happiness for the parents of the baby, but I ache so badly to hold my own smiling baby for pictures.


Yesterday's doctor visit broke me.


The wall behind the receptionist is covered in birth announcements. They usually don't bother me. There were new ones up. I couldn't stop looking at them. I had to bite my lip to keep from crying.

Every piece of reading material in that place is a magazine about being pregnant or caring for a baby. Everything. I couldn't even get a brochure about breast cancer or Pap smears to distract me for a few minutes. I think my lip might have had a hole in it by this point.

The nurses recognize me and talk to me on a first name basis. Even those I have never met. They only know me from all the others because my baby died. It makes me happy that they remember. It breaks my heart that my dead baby is the reason.

Even with all of that, I was still holding myself together really well, except for that really sore lip.

Then I went to the lab.

The guy sitting next to me was playing with his baby, who was only about 3 months old. As long as I didn't look up or make eye contact, I was fine. I could drown it out. Until the baby went back for bloodwork and started screaming.

For the first time, I realized that I never heard my babies cry. I'd never thought about it before. And with that baby screaming, it was ALL I could think about. Both of my babies were alive when they came out. Both of my babies lived for about 10 minutes. Neither of them were able to make a sound.

I broke down. I couldn't fight it any longer.

Their silence haunts me now. I would give anything to hear their voices, even if it meant reliving those nightmares all over again.

The C word.

I had a follow up appointment with the OB today. He's been trying to find why I keep losing my babies. I don't have a problem making them, just carrying them full term. He thought it was a structure problem, but last week's tests ruled that out. Genetic problems were also ruled out.

Today he realized that a lot of hormonal bloodwork was either missing from my record or never done at all. He said it looks like hormones are the most likely culprit, since it was well into the 2nd semester, and everything else tests good. Bloodwork was ordered. Results next week.

Doc also wants to do biopsies of cancer cells found on my cervix. He doesn't think that would have been a factor in losing the baby last month, but it definitely still has to be checked out and treated.


I'm terrified.


I'm not ready to throw something else into this nightmare.

10 Things Tuesday.

I like lists. I also like Tuesdays.

I'm not sure why I like lists. Sometimes I will even write a to-do list of things and include something I've already completed, just for the satisfaction of crossing it off the list. Does that make me weird? haha

I will probably start posting a list every Tuesday....if I remember.


Since I like lists and Tuesdays, let's make this week's list about 10 things I like.

1. Horses. Big ones. Little ones. Fat ones. Ugly ones. It doesn't matter. I love them. 

2. I love kayaking. Unless there are gators. Like the ones at Mobile Bay, where this photo was taken. That entire day kayak trip turned into a 25 minute waste of $90.

3. Old paintings. Like this one from around the 1940s that I found at a yard sale for $20. On a cool side note, that ship is still "active" and I was stationed on it when I found the painting. Our museum staff had a copy of the painting too, but they paid a couple hundred for theirs.

4. Get Fuzzy. This is my absolute most favorite comic strip in the universe. If my cat and dog could talk, they would sound just like these guys. haha

 

5. Fish. And fish tanks. In this picture, my then-husband didn't want to get fish after I got so excited about getting the water set up correctly in the tank. So I made these guys and they stayed there until I got my real fish. (Which was about 4 days. I finally won when I named each of them.)

 

6. Live music. Of almost any kind. Especially when the people are as fun as this guy.

 

7. Taking pictures of random beach findings. It's a new treasure adventure every time. But then again, I just like taking pictures in general. 

8. Flowers. Trees. Grass. If it's green or colorful and grows and smells pretty, I like it. All of it. Lilies and gardenias are my favorites though. 

9. Traveling. Especially road trips. Especially with my dad. That guy is sooo funny. On our trip to WA, I taught him how to use my digital camera. (He was afraid of it because he says it's fancy. haha) When he realized he could take all the pictures he wanted, he was like a kid in a candy store.

10. Books. Especially history books, if you can't tell. The best thing I ever learned to do was read.

What are some things that you like?